Forged in the Fire.

I am the type of person that isn’t effected immediately by traumatizing things. I think nature has given me the tools necessary to survive when shit hits the fan. I don’t break down emotionally. I think level-headed, I get business taken care of. It’s about 2 months after the fact – Shana loses her shit. It’s been two months. I am losing my shit.

I have spent the passed 3 days suffering. I am currently suffering

My twelve-year-old daughter has gone to live with her father (my ex husband) six hours away. She has been there for eight weeks now. She has lived with me her entire life until this time, and letting her go to live with him has been one of the hardest things I have had to endure as a mother. I have had to endure the criticism of some family members because of this choice, too ( which does not help me at all). As it stands, the plans are for her to live out there and start attending school there. A very nice private school.

I saw an opportunity for my daughter to establish a relationship with her father that was absent for the majority of her life. I saw that she needed to get to know him, she needed to feel loved and supported by him. I saw an opportunity for her to blossom and be given a chance at going down a new-maybe-better road. I had to give her this chance. We all know what happens to little girls that have “daddy issues”. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that she doesn’t have to go through them… Even if that means sacrificing myself. This has been a sacrifice of self. It is so unnatural to be away from your children – especially as a mother. It’s a deep wounding pain.

I rarely ever cry… but I have been crying for 3 solid days, crying in the shower, crying into my coffee, crying as I type this… I am sobbing and hurting.

I am happy my daughter doesn’t have to see how terrible I actually feel. She knows I am sad, and that I miss her. But she doesn’t need to see this.

Being a parent is so unbelievably hard sometimes. The amount of self-sacrifice involved isn’t all that wonderful, but when you have your child that loves you, gives you a hug, smile, spend time with… it makes the self-sacrifice worth it. However, when the self-sacrifice of letting that child go away from you. Thats… just something that is unnatural and awful feeling. The fact that she is happy out there doesn’t ease my pain, but it justifies my decision to let her go, which makes it only slightly less awful.

I would like to think that through this suffering, there is some lesson waiting for me on the other side. That learning to trust and let her experience the potential bond and life there is going to teach me something about myself, or give me some insight on life. I don’t know if it will or not. And i would never sign up for this only for the promise of knowledge or lessons. But maybe … maybe there is something. Please Universe, don’t let this suffering be for nothing.

I do know that her going out there was the right decision. I feel very strongly about it but it really does HURT like hell.

I keep hearing the words “Forged in fire”. I am going to take that as a bit of insight that my daughter and I are going to become stronger people from this experience.

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Where did my stamina go?

Let me begin by stating a cold hard fact.

I lost my stamina.

It used to be I could go a full 5k, easy breezy. Instead of re-living the past and focusing on what I used to be able to do, I need to have a very clear picture of where I am now and what it will take to be where I want to be.

I thought that last night I could run without my c25k running app. Oh- ho-ho no no no! I will not be doing that again. There was no structure, and nothing to focus on except for how of breath I was, and how super jiggle-y my fat was. Having the app gives me a goal, and you feel accomplished after each section of running you do, or at least I do.

Tonight, I will be doing Week 4, Day 1. Which will put me at intervals of running for 5 minutes and walking for 2 1/2 minutes and that sounds like it will push me just enough. I need to ease back into things for the sake of my knee.
I have been feeling completely drained lately. Lethargic, strange appetite, emotional and I had no idea why. I stumbled upon this article today about how there is going to be a full-moon on friday. Makes sense! I’m preparing to turn into a werewolf. just kidding… but it does explain the strange energies and emotions I am dealing with currently. I realize I might be the only crazy person that feels this way, and I am okay with that.

I also recently became attuned to practice LaHoChi, which is an energy healing modality. I think being exposed to and opening up to new energies might also have a lot to do with why I feel so off lately. After some researching I did online, It turns out this is a common occurrence when someone undergoes the ascension process, Of which I thought you could only go through once… ( I went through this last january/february). NOPE, it’s a process. And silly me, thinking I was done with it, nope… still expanding and growing in my conciousness.Thank God for that though, right? When we stop learning … we might as well be dead 😛

Hope you are all having a good week so far!

xoxox

Shana