Forged in the Fire.

I am the type of person that isn’t effected immediately by traumatizing things. I think nature has given me the tools necessary to survive when shit hits the fan. I don’t break down emotionally. I think level-headed, I get business taken care of. It’s about 2 months after the fact – Shana loses her shit. It’s been two months. I am losing my shit.

I have spent the passed 3 days suffering. I am currently suffering

My twelve-year-old daughter has gone to live with her father (my ex husband) six hours away. She has been there for eight weeks now. She has lived with me her entire life until this time, and letting her go to live with him has been one of the hardest things I have had to endure as a mother. I have had to endure the criticism of some family members because of this choice, too ( which does not help me at all). As it stands, the plans are for her to live out there and start attending school there. A very nice private school.

I saw an opportunity for my daughter to establish a relationship with her father that was absent for the majority of her life. I saw that she needed to get to know him, she needed to feel loved and supported by him. I saw an opportunity for her to blossom and be given a chance at going down a new-maybe-better road. I had to give her this chance. We all know what happens to little girls that have “daddy issues”. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that she doesn’t have to go through them… Even if that means sacrificing myself. This has been a sacrifice of self. It is so unnatural to be away from your children – especially as a mother. It’s a deep wounding pain.

I rarely ever cry… but I have been crying for 3 solid days, crying in the shower, crying into my coffee, crying as I type this… I am sobbing and hurting.

I am happy my daughter doesn’t have to see how terrible I actually feel. She knows I am sad, and that I miss her. But she doesn’t need to see this.

Being a parent is so unbelievably hard sometimes. The amount of self-sacrifice involved isn’t all that wonderful, but when you have your child that loves you, gives you a hug, smile, spend time with… it makes the self-sacrifice worth it. However, when the self-sacrifice of letting that child go away from you. Thats… just something that is unnatural and awful feeling. The fact that she is happy out there doesn’t ease my pain, but it justifies my decision to let her go, which makes it only slightly less awful.

I would like to think that through this suffering, there is some lesson waiting for me on the other side. That learning to trust and let her experience the potential bond and life there is going to teach me something about myself, or give me some insight on life. I don’t know if it will or not. And i would never sign up for this only for the promise of knowledge or lessons. But maybe … maybe there is something. Please Universe, don’t let this suffering be for nothing.

I do know that her going out there was the right decision. I feel very strongly about it but it really does HURT like hell.

I keep hearing the words “Forged in fire”. I am going to take that as a bit of insight that my daughter and I are going to become stronger people from this experience.

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So, this is a rough patch…

Well, it’s arrived, I knew it was only a matter of time before the road became very challenging. It’s not just my diet, that seems to be the easier part of life ( except for you damn delicious Atkin’s chocolate snack bars, I curse the day I ever sank my teeth into that amazing gooey “good for my diet” perfection ). What’s getting the best of me right now is “real life” or the adult world that I have so expertly avoided for the past 11 years. Well, I am a mother of 3 children, it’s not like I was just sitting on my ass… Even though, mentally, it feels like I have been.
I made the decision not long ago that I would be going back to school so that I could finally get a career! Ya know, to support myself and be a contributing member of society. Well, I went into the school I am going to be applying for today (yesterday, as it’s midnight now) and I first noticed that I would be one of the “older” students that would be attending. Where has my life gone?!

I met with the advisor, and she then started giving me an interview, for which I was not ready! I stumbled my way thru the questions, like a fool. Apparently, I have been living a hermits life under a rock for the past 11 years because me and talking to strangers just DOES NOT come all that natural or easy. In fact, just thinking of having to do it again has my hands getting clammy.

After the god-awful interview, she gave me a basic English comprehension test. She had assured me that not many people pass it the first time around and that I will get a second try at it if I didn’t get the passing score of 20. I scored a 26, and while I appreciated her enthusiasm that I had passed it, I wondered if it was because she thought I was seriously dumb from the interview. I have been instructed to get my transcripts for a follow up appointment and math exam on this upcoming Friday …

I looked at my transcripts from High school and college, and because I was such a glorious fuck up with my life back then I can only imagine what this lady is going to think of me, probably something like this…

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I will be absolutely shocked if I get into the program, and incredibly grateful, but mostly shocked.

I think not having been to the gym or out to run in a month is starting to adversely effect my mental well-being. I haven’t felt this down on myself for a while.

I’m not quitting though! Maybe tomorrow morning I will force myself to get to the gym.

The Battle – Temptations, Failures, Regret and moving forward.

This marks week 10ish of my journey on keto. A journey that has served me well. A loss of more than 20 pounds and a budding self-esteem.  This also marks the week of quite possibly the worst yet faced temptations and ultimately (tonight) failure of my strong resolve and self-discipline.  This past week, my blog has remained silent mostly because I have been in constant battle with my demons and temptations to fall of the wagon.

Well, tonight I fell, not as hard as I could have, not as bad as the planned “cheat day” I have in my future when I deserve one. No, tonight was the culmination of the past seven days catching up with me. This past week, I have had 4 social nights of drinking alcohol. Crazy.  And I made the mistake of stepping on the scale this morning and finding out that I have gained 3 pounds. and have been stalled for 2 weeks with my weight.  I cried this morning. I sobbed actually. I cried because in these past two weeks, I have struggled with the temptations of my past. I have had fantasies about nachos and chocolate cake, and while I never indulged, I have craved, wanted, and denied myself of the two things I have wanted the most. NOT EVEN ONCE did I cave in. My master plan of a cheat day is to go to the Cheesecake Factory and order a plate of Nachos and then after a slice of chocolate cake. Instead, I have been a social butterfly and had 4 nights of drinking… I might as well have had my cheat day at the cheesecake factory.  This past week, I gave found myself struggling with my motivation, it just simply wasn’t there! My attitude was lack-luster, my resolve was luke-warm. It sucked.

This morning.  I found myself 3 pounds heavier ( after tonight I am sure it will be heavier).  I went over to a friend’s house tonight and played a drinking game version of Yahtzee. It was fun, and I lost miserably. While I lost, I managed to eat 4 taquitos, drink 5 vodka tonics and then come home to gobble down a slice of pizza and a bbq chicken wrap. Needless to say, I will not be wanting to step on the scale for at least a week. I am disappointed in myself.

I don’t even know if I will be in keto in the morning, and if I am, I will be shocked, more shocked than I have ever been in a long long time. I have been disappointed and discouraged all day, and that led me to a point where I caved into my weakness. I am not proud. My belly feels stuffed full of carby things that I am ashamed to have eaten. I had a good run of 2 months of strict keto. And I had a weak moment and a morose attitude today.  But… I am moving forward. I am not going to let this determine the outcome of 1) my diet or 2) my determination.

I failed tonight. I did. I failed. But tomorrow, I am starting all over again. When you fall off the horse, you get back on. And that is what I going to do. I might have failed tonight, but that doesn’t mean all this hard work up until tonight has been for nothing. I refuse to let all this hard work go to waste. I cannot do that. I have worked so hard, and I have been so proud of myself. I cannot let tonight be the downfall.  Instead, I will use this as a learning experience, and if not a learning experience, a new starting point.  I knew this whole time while I had such a winning streak that there would come a day where I would fall flat on my face…  I just didn’t know that today was going to be that day.

Instead of regretting and lamenting, I am going to be thankful for the fucking delicious taquitos, pizza and alcohol. Next time I mess up this badly, it’s going to be much much worse and ON PURPOSE. Maybe after my next 15 pounds lost mark, I will go to the Cheesecake Factory and make these fantasies come true. But until then, I am going to hop back on the horse. I am going to document exactly how badly this falling on my face has been. I think I owe it not only to myself to be transparent and honest, but to those who have followed my blog up until this point as well. Hopefully, I will find some strength in it.

I write this with a drunk, heavy heart. It’s time to go to bed and time TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER!

Ugh….

I will report tomorrow with damages done and my plan to get my act back together.  Sorry I let myself down…

-Shana