Hello, Confidence. It’s been a while!

I am happy to finally report back to you all and say, that my absence from writing hasn’t been because of going into hiding from falling off the wagon or from not working my tail off. Believe me,  I have BEEN WORKING MY TAIL OFF!  And I am happy to report back to you with great news.

I am finally a size medium. for real!photo (2)

Here I am, in the dressing room, trying on Medium sized shorts and top.  I was so happy and amazed that I immediately started to cry the happiest of tears and then took a picture! This is a pretty huge milestone for me. And I think back to when I started, and I am really impressed with myself for sticking out this long.  Now, I need to follow this up with the obligatory… I still have work ahead of me.

Am I happy with how I look? HELL YES! For the first time in years, I can say that with full confidence. The main goal I had when I started this journey was to get my confidence back!  Here it is.

And here is a picture of the transformation thus far…

 

photo (1)

I have the Keto diet, my supportive friends here, and the C25k app to thank for the progress, AND my determination to not give up. There were many moments of weakness along the way, and lots of stalls but that’s okay… that’s called life.

I have transitioned some in my diet from keto to paleo, I guess??. Still keeping it high fat and low carb, I allowed oats into my life and my current carb intake is less than 100g a day and keeping my calorie count in check.

I have started a new workout routine.  I am on week 3 of it, actually.  I have started lifting weights at the gym! This means I am no longer stepping on the scale, and I am keeping progress documented by measurements, how I feel, and by pictures. The scale was driving me crazy. It became a game of numbers instead of being healthy, making right choices and determining how I was feeling on a daily basis. The scale served its purpose in the beginning of my journey, and it kept me going on the right track.

I have lots of time on my hands now that school fell through. I have until December to really step up my game in the gym and working out.  It has helped me so much with how I feel on a chemical level, feeling great 🙂

I hope you are all doing well!

xoxox

-Shana

 

 

The Battle – Temptations, Failures, Regret and moving forward.

This marks week 10ish of my journey on keto. A journey that has served me well. A loss of more than 20 pounds and a budding self-esteem.  This also marks the week of quite possibly the worst yet faced temptations and ultimately (tonight) failure of my strong resolve and self-discipline.  This past week, my blog has remained silent mostly because I have been in constant battle with my demons and temptations to fall of the wagon.

Well, tonight I fell, not as hard as I could have, not as bad as the planned “cheat day” I have in my future when I deserve one. No, tonight was the culmination of the past seven days catching up with me. This past week, I have had 4 social nights of drinking alcohol. Crazy.  And I made the mistake of stepping on the scale this morning and finding out that I have gained 3 pounds. and have been stalled for 2 weeks with my weight.  I cried this morning. I sobbed actually. I cried because in these past two weeks, I have struggled with the temptations of my past. I have had fantasies about nachos and chocolate cake, and while I never indulged, I have craved, wanted, and denied myself of the two things I have wanted the most. NOT EVEN ONCE did I cave in. My master plan of a cheat day is to go to the Cheesecake Factory and order a plate of Nachos and then after a slice of chocolate cake. Instead, I have been a social butterfly and had 4 nights of drinking… I might as well have had my cheat day at the cheesecake factory.  This past week, I gave found myself struggling with my motivation, it just simply wasn’t there! My attitude was lack-luster, my resolve was luke-warm. It sucked.

This morning.  I found myself 3 pounds heavier ( after tonight I am sure it will be heavier).  I went over to a friend’s house tonight and played a drinking game version of Yahtzee. It was fun, and I lost miserably. While I lost, I managed to eat 4 taquitos, drink 5 vodka tonics and then come home to gobble down a slice of pizza and a bbq chicken wrap. Needless to say, I will not be wanting to step on the scale for at least a week. I am disappointed in myself.

I don’t even know if I will be in keto in the morning, and if I am, I will be shocked, more shocked than I have ever been in a long long time. I have been disappointed and discouraged all day, and that led me to a point where I caved into my weakness. I am not proud. My belly feels stuffed full of carby things that I am ashamed to have eaten. I had a good run of 2 months of strict keto. And I had a weak moment and a morose attitude today.  But… I am moving forward. I am not going to let this determine the outcome of 1) my diet or 2) my determination.

I failed tonight. I did. I failed. But tomorrow, I am starting all over again. When you fall off the horse, you get back on. And that is what I going to do. I might have failed tonight, but that doesn’t mean all this hard work up until tonight has been for nothing. I refuse to let all this hard work go to waste. I cannot do that. I have worked so hard, and I have been so proud of myself. I cannot let tonight be the downfall.  Instead, I will use this as a learning experience, and if not a learning experience, a new starting point.  I knew this whole time while I had such a winning streak that there would come a day where I would fall flat on my face…  I just didn’t know that today was going to be that day.

Instead of regretting and lamenting, I am going to be thankful for the fucking delicious taquitos, pizza and alcohol. Next time I mess up this badly, it’s going to be much much worse and ON PURPOSE. Maybe after my next 15 pounds lost mark, I will go to the Cheesecake Factory and make these fantasies come true. But until then, I am going to hop back on the horse. I am going to document exactly how badly this falling on my face has been. I think I owe it not only to myself to be transparent and honest, but to those who have followed my blog up until this point as well. Hopefully, I will find some strength in it.

I write this with a drunk, heavy heart. It’s time to go to bed and time TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER!

Ugh….

I will report tomorrow with damages done and my plan to get my act back together.  Sorry I let myself down…

-Shana