Forged in the Fire.

I am the type of person that isn’t effected immediately by traumatizing things. I think nature has given me the tools necessary to survive when shit hits the fan. I don’t break down emotionally. I think level-headed, I get business taken care of. It’s about 2 months after the fact – Shana loses her shit. It’s been two months. I am losing my shit.

I have spent the passed 3 days suffering. I am currently suffering

My twelve-year-old daughter has gone to live with her father (my ex husband) six hours away. She has been there for eight weeks now. She has lived with me her entire life until this time, and letting her go to live with him has been one of the hardest things I have had to endure as a mother. I have had to endure the criticism of some family members because of this choice, too ( which does not help me at all). As it stands, the plans are for her to live out there and start attending school there. A very nice private school.

I saw an opportunity for my daughter to establish a relationship with her father that was absent for the majority of her life. I saw that she needed to get to know him, she needed to feel loved and supported by him. I saw an opportunity for her to blossom and be given a chance at going down a new-maybe-better road. I had to give her this chance. We all know what happens to little girls that have “daddy issues”. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that she doesn’t have to go through them… Even if that means sacrificing myself. This has been a sacrifice of self. It is so unnatural to be away from your children – especially as a mother. It’s a deep wounding pain.

I rarely ever cry… but I have been crying for 3 solid days, crying in the shower, crying into my coffee, crying as I type this… I am sobbing and hurting.

I am happy my daughter doesn’t have to see how terrible I actually feel. She knows I am sad, and that I miss her. But she doesn’t need to see this.

Being a parent is so unbelievably hard sometimes. The amount of self-sacrifice involved isn’t all that wonderful, but when you have your child that loves you, gives you a hug, smile, spend time with… it makes the self-sacrifice worth it. However, when the self-sacrifice of letting that child go away from you. Thats… just something that is unnatural and awful feeling. The fact that she is happy out there doesn’t ease my pain, but it justifies my decision to let her go, which makes it only slightly less awful.

I would like to think that through this suffering, there is some lesson waiting for me on the other side. That learning to trust and let her experience the potential bond and life there is going to teach me something about myself, or give me some insight on life. I don’t know if it will or not. And i would never sign up for this only for the promise of knowledge or lessons. But maybe … maybe there is something. Please Universe, don’t let this suffering be for nothing.

I do know that her going out there was the right decision. I feel very strongly about it but it really does HURT like hell.

I keep hearing the words “Forged in fire”. I am going to take that as a bit of insight that my daughter and I are going to become stronger people from this experience.

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Where did my stamina go?

Let me begin by stating a cold hard fact.

I lost my stamina.

It used to be I could go a full 5k, easy breezy. Instead of re-living the past and focusing on what I used to be able to do, I need to have a very clear picture of where I am now and what it will take to be where I want to be.

I thought that last night I could run without my c25k running app. Oh- ho-ho no no no! I will not be doing that again. There was no structure, and nothing to focus on except for how of breath I was, and how super jiggle-y my fat was. Having the app gives me a goal, and you feel accomplished after each section of running you do, or at least I do.

Tonight, I will be doing Week 4, Day 1. Which will put me at intervals of running for 5 minutes and walking for 2 1/2 minutes and that sounds like it will push me just enough. I need to ease back into things for the sake of my knee.
I have been feeling completely drained lately. Lethargic, strange appetite, emotional and I had no idea why. I stumbled upon this article today about how there is going to be a full-moon on friday. Makes sense! I’m preparing to turn into a werewolf. just kidding… but it does explain the strange energies and emotions I am dealing with currently. I realize I might be the only crazy person that feels this way, and I am okay with that.

I also recently became attuned to practice LaHoChi, which is an energy healing modality. I think being exposed to and opening up to new energies might also have a lot to do with why I feel so off lately. After some researching I did online, It turns out this is a common occurrence when someone undergoes the ascension process, Of which I thought you could only go through once… ( I went through this last january/february). NOPE, it’s a process. And silly me, thinking I was done with it, nope… still expanding and growing in my conciousness.Thank God for that though, right? When we stop learning … we might as well be dead 😛

Hope you are all having a good week so far!

xoxox

Shana

Be like water.

As I sit here, staring at this blank page I am flooded with thoughts and emotions. It’s almost like standing at the precipice all over again, I remember the feeling in my stomach when I started this blog over a year ago, and it’s the same feeling.  The feeling that :

1) I am starting something BIG and its going to change the course of my life.

2) I am going to start running again… (despite my knee troubles)

3) A new and improved Shana is on the horizon!

Since I have written last, there have been major changes. My grandfather died. I became vegetarian. I started meditating and praying more, A LOT more. Injured my knee (torn medial meniscus). Got Straight A’s my first semester back at college ( WOOHOOOO!!!). Invited to join Honors Society.  Lost 20 lbs. Gained 20 lbs. Lost a couple of friends and made some new friends. Remodeled my house. and that’s just the major things…

Needless to say, I have been a busy, busy girl. I think the most profound change has been my spiritual life. I see things differently now, and my approach to life and the people I encounter on a daily basis is much different, and in a good way, a beautiful way.

I am creating more! I started a line of body butters and aromatherapy sprays, I plan on documenting that process more. In addition to getting back on track with running.

I also have no idea what I am doing with being a vegetarian. I have been eating the same 5 meals in rotation, so my blog will probably be my sounding board for recipes that I try as well.

See? Big Changes. I am reminded as I wrote this that I must be like water.. If I pour myself into a cup, I muse become the cup. If I pour myself into being a new business owner, I must BE the business owner. If I pour myself into vegetarianism I must BE vegetarianism. HA! BE whatever it is you are doing, it’s the only way to remain present and experience fully all that moment has to offer.

Cheers to new beginnings!

XOXOX

-Shana

the wtf diet

I need help.

I have strayed from keto for far too long, but not long enough to change my thought process about how to eat. I love keto, I love the recipes and the food, I also love that it brought me down to a weight I can be happy with. Since I have started going to the gym on a daily basis and lifting weights, I have felt the need to reintroduce some grains into my life. But, this hasn’t really benefited me in a way that I can physically perceive, in fact, I think it’s hindered my weight loss. My belly has also expanded ( shhhhh, this has nothing to do with the bag of Cheetos I ate yesterday), and I am finding myself getting frustrated once again with  my diet.

You see, I am following this “Jamie Eason LiveFit Trainer” program and with it comes a dietary guide to get the maximum benefit of all the hard work you put in at the gym, only problem is… grains, and starches are a part of the guide and fat is pretty much a no-no on the plan… How does this translate to my life? Well, It hasn’t. I still eat the high fat foods, but have incorporated oats and some low carb tortillas. The two foods cannot exist happily on a diet, I think.  So, for a while I was thinking ” what if I just stick with calories in vs. calories out”? That doesn’t seem to work very well either… I have gained back 5 lbs and hovering in the low 150s now for about 2 months. SO annoying!

Do I go back hardcore on keto again and just deal with the rashes and hope that my body is getting what it needs from the heavy lifting at the gym? or do I abandon keto altogether? This limbo thing certainly isn’t working for me. I don’t know what to do.

 

 

My 18th Week of Keto. and the 5 mile run.

Last Friday, I weighed in at 151 pounds. To celebrate this new number, I went shopping for clothes and was able to fit into and purchase a size 10!

I haven’t been a size 10 in 14 years!

To celebrate this new and exciting number I decided to spoil myself at the Cheesecake Factory.

This was the first time I have been there in 18 weeks. It was a well-deserved cheat day. BUT, this well-deserved cheat day cost me 5 pounds!

Ever since Saturday I have been working my ass off to get back down to 151.  Sunday I completely finished my C25K app! I am now on to these things called “free runs”.  which really sound awesome, don’t they? Like I can spread my wings and leave the cage, to run amuck in fields of poppies and dandelions with the wind blowing through my hair and me singing … ” the hills are alive, with the sound of muuuuuuusiiic”. Except, it’s not like that at all. It’s still hot outside, I still run on concrete/pavement and turn a bright shade of red and have sweat pouring down my face. Nothing at all like the app leads me to believe these “free runs” are made of.

Today marked my longest run yet… FIVE miles! I think I am in denial about liking running. Whenever someone tells me to enjoy my run, I scoff at them.

” Psshhh, yeah right, like I could EVER like running… Give me a break”.

And yet, I find myself going out for jogs almost everyday…  It’s either I am a masochist, or I like running, or both, but I am definitely in denial about both of those things. Hopefully I will be able to embrace these things about myself one day soon.

Pretty soon, I will be at the 150 mark. When I hit that, I will have ten more pounds to go before my next goal of 140! (this time with no trips to the cheesecake factory).

I have a FitBit now, this will most definitely help with my goals, I am sure of it.

I wont let another 2 weeks go by without updating my blog, it helps keep me accountable and to be honest, it feels like I am confiding in a friend, because outside of this, there aren’t many people who really give a damn. Even if you all don’t, which I am sure is a high likelihood. IT FEELS like you do, be it true or not, it still feels that way, and it warms my heart and keeps me going 🙂

 

 

 

Back to Keto – Changing the plans again! Week 16

keepgoing

I just completed Week 9, Day  1 of the C25k.!  Only two more days of the app to go until I run 3 miles! =D I can’t believe I made it here. Looking back, I was huffing and puffing and cursing my lungs, and my excess fat. I just ran for 30 minutes without stopping!  I am proud of myself tonight.

Last post, I said I was jumping off of the keto-wagon, but as it turns out, my hives are still present even with more carbs in my diet. So, I have made the decision that I am going back to keto, but I am going to eat many more veggies, and cut down on the dairy. We’ll see how it goes. The fact is, I need to get back to keto, I need the familiarity of it. When I tried to eat noodles, I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a cliff, about to fall head first into a carb binge. Its easier to do than I thought, and thinking of gaining a bunch of weight back because of something stupid like that terrifies me!

In other great news, I might be starting school in August! Friday, the admissions department called me and told me I passed my exams with flying colors, and have enough points to secure an interview with the director of the program. I am so anxious. In order to ease my nerves about it all, I thought some retail therapy would do me some good. So, today, I went to Old Navy and bought a cute dress for the interview, I fit into a Medium size!!! Best believe I bought it, and I am going to ROCK that size medium dress 🙂 My next hurdle is the interview.

In the meantime, I am going to keep on keto’ing on, continue running and going to the gym.  my future is starting to take shape! I am feeling proud and hopeful. NEVER GIVING UP!!

 

– Shana

So, this is a rough patch…

Well, it’s arrived, I knew it was only a matter of time before the road became very challenging. It’s not just my diet, that seems to be the easier part of life ( except for you damn delicious Atkin’s chocolate snack bars, I curse the day I ever sank my teeth into that amazing gooey “good for my diet” perfection ). What’s getting the best of me right now is “real life” or the adult world that I have so expertly avoided for the past 11 years. Well, I am a mother of 3 children, it’s not like I was just sitting on my ass… Even though, mentally, it feels like I have been.
I made the decision not long ago that I would be going back to school so that I could finally get a career! Ya know, to support myself and be a contributing member of society. Well, I went into the school I am going to be applying for today (yesterday, as it’s midnight now) and I first noticed that I would be one of the “older” students that would be attending. Where has my life gone?!

I met with the advisor, and she then started giving me an interview, for which I was not ready! I stumbled my way thru the questions, like a fool. Apparently, I have been living a hermits life under a rock for the past 11 years because me and talking to strangers just DOES NOT come all that natural or easy. In fact, just thinking of having to do it again has my hands getting clammy.

After the god-awful interview, she gave me a basic English comprehension test. She had assured me that not many people pass it the first time around and that I will get a second try at it if I didn’t get the passing score of 20. I scored a 26, and while I appreciated her enthusiasm that I had passed it, I wondered if it was because she thought I was seriously dumb from the interview. I have been instructed to get my transcripts for a follow up appointment and math exam on this upcoming Friday …

I looked at my transcripts from High school and college, and because I was such a glorious fuck up with my life back then I can only imagine what this lady is going to think of me, probably something like this…

image

I will be absolutely shocked if I get into the program, and incredibly grateful, but mostly shocked.

I think not having been to the gym or out to run in a month is starting to adversely effect my mental well-being. I haven’t felt this down on myself for a while.

I’m not quitting though! Maybe tomorrow morning I will force myself to get to the gym.