The Battle – Temptations, Failures, Regret and moving forward.

This marks week 10ish of my journey on keto. A journey that has served me well. A loss of more than 20 pounds and a budding self-esteem.  This also marks the week of quite possibly the worst yet faced temptations and ultimately (tonight) failure of my strong resolve and self-discipline.  This past week, my blog has remained silent mostly because I have been in constant battle with my demons and temptations to fall of the wagon.

Well, tonight I fell, not as hard as I could have, not as bad as the planned “cheat day” I have in my future when I deserve one. No, tonight was the culmination of the past seven days catching up with me. This past week, I have had 4 social nights of drinking alcohol. Crazy.  And I made the mistake of stepping on the scale this morning and finding out that I have gained 3 pounds. and have been stalled for 2 weeks with my weight.  I cried this morning. I sobbed actually. I cried because in these past two weeks, I have struggled with the temptations of my past. I have had fantasies about nachos and chocolate cake, and while I never indulged, I have craved, wanted, and denied myself of the two things I have wanted the most. NOT EVEN ONCE did I cave in. My master plan of a cheat day is to go to the Cheesecake Factory and order a plate of Nachos and then after a slice of chocolate cake. Instead, I have been a social butterfly and had 4 nights of drinking… I might as well have had my cheat day at the cheesecake factory.  This past week, I gave found myself struggling with my motivation, it just simply wasn’t there! My attitude was lack-luster, my resolve was luke-warm. It sucked.

This morning.  I found myself 3 pounds heavier ( after tonight I am sure it will be heavier).  I went over to a friend’s house tonight and played a drinking game version of Yahtzee. It was fun, and I lost miserably. While I lost, I managed to eat 4 taquitos, drink 5 vodka tonics and then come home to gobble down a slice of pizza and a bbq chicken wrap. Needless to say, I will not be wanting to step on the scale for at least a week. I am disappointed in myself.

I don’t even know if I will be in keto in the morning, and if I am, I will be shocked, more shocked than I have ever been in a long long time. I have been disappointed and discouraged all day, and that led me to a point where I caved into my weakness. I am not proud. My belly feels stuffed full of carby things that I am ashamed to have eaten. I had a good run of 2 months of strict keto. And I had a weak moment and a morose attitude today.  But… I am moving forward. I am not going to let this determine the outcome of 1) my diet or 2) my determination.

I failed tonight. I did. I failed. But tomorrow, I am starting all over again. When you fall off the horse, you get back on. And that is what I going to do. I might have failed tonight, but that doesn’t mean all this hard work up until tonight has been for nothing. I refuse to let all this hard work go to waste. I cannot do that. I have worked so hard, and I have been so proud of myself. I cannot let tonight be the downfall.  Instead, I will use this as a learning experience, and if not a learning experience, a new starting point.  I knew this whole time while I had such a winning streak that there would come a day where I would fall flat on my face…  I just didn’t know that today was going to be that day.

Instead of regretting and lamenting, I am going to be thankful for the fucking delicious taquitos, pizza and alcohol. Next time I mess up this badly, it’s going to be much much worse and ON PURPOSE. Maybe after my next 15 pounds lost mark, I will go to the Cheesecake Factory and make these fantasies come true. But until then, I am going to hop back on the horse. I am going to document exactly how badly this falling on my face has been. I think I owe it not only to myself to be transparent and honest, but to those who have followed my blog up until this point as well. Hopefully, I will find some strength in it.

I write this with a drunk, heavy heart. It’s time to go to bed and time TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER!

Ugh….

I will report tomorrow with damages done and my plan to get my act back together.  Sorry I let myself down…

-Shana

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2 thoughts on “The Battle – Temptations, Failures, Regret and moving forward.

  1. Temptation tests everyone but it’s how you work to get back on track that matters. A loss of 20lbs is totally amazing and I’m sure you will be losing again in no time : ) Nights out is what worries me. My social life is taking a dive while I’m dieting – I’m going out more in the day instead of at night to reduce temptation. But inevitably I will need to learn more self control. Keep up the good work hun! x

  2. We all fall off the wagon some times. The important thing is to get back up. I think you attitude is the best for the case, accept what happened, don’t beat yourself up so hard and keep on the right path you are on. Our bodies have a very good memory, give it what you were giving it before and you’ll be right back to the point you were at before you fell off the wagon. Good luck and keep embracing both failure and success as learning experiences.

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