This marks week 10ish of my journey on keto. A journey that has served me well. A loss of more than 20 pounds and a budding self-esteem. This also marks the week of quite possibly the worst yet faced temptations and ultimately (tonight) failure of my strong resolve and self-discipline. This past week, my blog has remained silent mostly because I have been in constant battle with my demons and temptations to fall of the wagon.
Well, tonight I fell, not as hard as I could have, not as bad as the planned “cheat day” I have in my future when I deserve one. No, tonight was the culmination of the past seven days catching up with me. This past week, I have had 4 social nights of drinking alcohol. Crazy. And I made the mistake of stepping on the scale this morning and finding out that I have gained 3 pounds. and have been stalled for 2 weeks with my weight. I cried this morning. I sobbed actually. I cried because in these past two weeks, I have struggled with the temptations of my past. I have had fantasies about nachos and chocolate cake, and while I never indulged, I have craved, wanted, and denied myself of the two things I have wanted the most. NOT EVEN ONCE did I cave in. My master plan of a cheat day is to go to the Cheesecake Factory and order a plate of Nachos and then after a slice of chocolate cake. Instead, I have been a social butterfly and had 4 nights of drinking… I might as well have had my cheat day at the cheesecake factory. This past week, I gave found myself struggling with my motivation, it just simply wasn’t there! My attitude was lack-luster, my resolve was luke-warm. It sucked.
This morning. I found myself 3 pounds heavier ( after tonight I am sure it will be heavier). I went over to a friend’s house tonight and played a drinking game version of Yahtzee. It was fun, and I lost miserably. While I lost, I managed to eat 4 taquitos, drink 5 vodka tonics and then come home to gobble down a slice of pizza and a bbq chicken wrap. Needless to say, I will not be wanting to step on the scale for at least a week. I am disappointed in myself.
I don’t even know if I will be in keto in the morning, and if I am, I will be shocked, more shocked than I have ever been in a long long time. I have been disappointed and discouraged all day, and that led me to a point where I caved into my weakness. I am not proud. My belly feels stuffed full of carby things that I am ashamed to have eaten. I had a good run of 2 months of strict keto. And I had a weak moment and a morose attitude today. But… I am moving forward. I am not going to let this determine the outcome of 1) my diet or 2) my determination.
I failed tonight. I did. I failed. But tomorrow, I am starting all over again. When you fall off the horse, you get back on. And that is what I going to do. I might have failed tonight, but that doesn’t mean all this hard work up until tonight has been for nothing. I refuse to let all this hard work go to waste. I cannot do that. I have worked so hard, and I have been so proud of myself. I cannot let tonight be the downfall. Instead, I will use this as a learning experience, and if not a learning experience, a new starting point. I knew this whole time while I had such a winning streak that there would come a day where I would fall flat on my face… I just didn’t know that today was going to be that day.
Instead of regretting and lamenting, I am going to be thankful for the fucking delicious taquitos, pizza and alcohol. Next time I mess up this badly, it’s going to be much much worse and ON PURPOSE. Maybe after my next 15 pounds lost mark, I will go to the Cheesecake Factory and make these fantasies come true. But until then, I am going to hop back on the horse. I am going to document exactly how badly this falling on my face has been. I think I owe it not only to myself to be transparent and honest, but to those who have followed my blog up until this point as well. Hopefully, I will find some strength in it.
I write this with a drunk, heavy heart. It’s time to go to bed and time TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER!
I will report tomorrow with damages done and my plan to get my act back together. Sorry I let myself down…